Lost
by leenza
Summary: [One-Shot] Numair's thoughts a year after Daine is killed.


Author's Note: this is an internal monologue of Numair's thoughts when Daine dies. 

----~*~-----

It is a cold day, but I do not bother layering up. The snows are coming, but I do not care. Kit trills a warning at me, but I ignore her. I need to be alone and over the past year she has begun to understand my obsession. She does not like it, but then she misses my sweetling, too.

The grass is stiff and dead beneath my feet. My gaze is trained on the dark, dark earth as I stroll along the palace grounds. I know the path I walk as well as I know the back of my hand; the fences and trees and walkways as intricately woven as the scars I bear with an almost roguish pride. The once bright heralds of fall drift down around me and I am annoyed at the leaves that block my view of the destination I seek.

A bird flutters down a few feet away as I take a seat on the bench conveniently placed by the grave. I stare at the animal, at first resentful of its invasion of my privacy, but then I sigh, stretching out my lanky form as I lean back. "You miss her, too, don't you?" The bird chirps a reply that I would understand if she was here. The sad thing is, she is here. Only…buried beneath who knows how many feet of tightly packed earth. After a moment, the bird flies off and I am alone again to stare at the leaf-covered grave and proud statuette standing tall in honor of her.

"My Daine," I whisper softly, my eyes traveling over every tiny, expertly sculpted aspect of the figurine. It is done all in gray, but my mind's eye can see the dapples on the mare's flank, the barely noticeable blue tint in the rider's eyes, and the mahogany locks that curl around her lovely face. Without warning, the flood of emotions arrives and I allow one solitary tear to escape, rolling down my cheek in a picture of sorrow. "I miss you, magelet."

We had never married. She lived with me for almost seven years and in that all too short time I could not convince her of my lasting determination. Time did not sympathize with me and it took my magelet from me before I could claim her as mine. I am not so old; time will not come for me in its natural form for a good long while. A long enough time for me to ponder my life and pine for the woman I now will never call my wife and will never start up a legacy with. 

Hoofbeats startle me. I glance up to stare into intelligent, familiar brown eyes. "Cloud," I say, more of a sigh than a word. The mare snorts, nudging me none too gently with her smooth muzzle. "Nice whiskers," I tease, tugging on one that had grown long enough to poke me. Slim ears sliding back warn me and I slip out of the way, narrowly avoiding the contact between teeth and arm. "You haven't changed a bit you old rascal," I say, chuckling to myself. 

_But you have_. The voice in my head shocks me down to my bones and I stare at the mare. "Cloud?" 

_Yes, it's me, dolt_. The mare blinks at me, hiding behind that equine mask. "Since when can you talk to me?" I ask, shivering slightly from the cold. 

_Let's take a walk,_ she suggests, turning to lead the way. _This place gives me the creeps._ I frown, but hurry to walk next to her, using her body to keep me warm. "How have I changed?"

_You don't have the glow anymore._ Her voice in my mind is almost impatient and I feel as if I am talking to an actual person. Daine always referred to them as The People. I had never realized what that title meant until now. "The glow?"

_Like with the sitting thing. Your magic._ Now I know she is impatient, because her nostrils flare as she speaks. "My Gift."

_Yes_. I sigh. "Cloud, I gave up my Gift. It killed Daine and I didn't want anything to do with it."

_Don't be stupid._ I stop walking for a second, utterly shocked at the insult. I guess I should have expected the attitude from her silent treatment of me in the past, but I'd never thought of what it would be like to have her talk to me. "Pardon?"

_The Gift didn't kill Daine. The mage who worked his Gift did. _I hated her for being right, but I still had to argue. "I don't care. It's gone and I'm glad." My only answer for a moment was a soft laugh that my ears would never catch. She was laughing at me?

_Oh, Stork-Man. You impress me with your utter naivety. _This time I remain silent, deciding I am done with the insults. I'd rather turn back and wallow on my own, thank you. As if sensing she is losing me, Cloud speaks quickly. Or rather, thinks? Since it's in my mind? _It is not gone. It is still with you, but buried beneath all your frustrations and sorrows over Daine. While it is true that you put it there, once you move on and recognize that what happened, happened, it will return to you. _

This statement makes me so angry that for a second I wish I still controlled my Gift. I wished I could fling black fire, swirling, teasing, burning bursts of cobalt that would torment this mare and chase her into the dark depths of Hell itself. "Daine is _dead_, Cloud. She didn't just leave me or go off to fight for Tortall. She's _dead_. I can't just deal with that."

The brief connection we had back at the grave is severed and she stares at me helplessly. I can visibly see her trying to say something, but my mind is slammed shut, unwilling to listen. I turn and stride angrily back the way we came. 

My hand clutches at the focus I made of Daine. The charm bracelet I almost flung into the fireplace a week after her death. I'd been almost ready to, when my finger accidentally loosed the catch. There was her lock of hair, glowing soft and silky in the firelight and I broke down. I couldn't do it. I couldn't let her go. 

She was the only one for me. I could never love again. Jonathan has no further use for me, he believes my Gift is gone for good. That's the only thing I ever was to him anyway. Black fire he could use for destruction. Well, I'm done with that. I'm leaving. I'll be long gone before anyone misses me. I know the words to call upon Diamondflame. I will find my way through the Divine Realms until I find her. I must find her. I cannot stop until I find her. I _will not stop until I find her. Because my will is all I have left. I hope it's enough._

mleh…boring. But I'll post it anyway I guess. Just to see if anyone has anything to say

love, linza


End file.
